It didn’t make sense at first why I had to make a disappearance. Writing is therapy to me and I finally reached my dream of publishing my 1st debut collection.. Of course I am nothing but proud of my accomplishments and to see where I was and where I landed. But I also never paid attention to the real importance of “self care”.
I couldn’t be a hypocrite, advocating self love and self care, when I never TRULY practiced it myself. I won’t lie, it hurts to be away from my writing community and to have to put everything on hold. What’s more frustrating is there really is no time stamp I can put on it. I guess this is my sincere apology for having to cut things short for the time being. I know I shouldn’t have to apologize for taking care of myself but that’s just how I am; I feel it’s warranted.
For those that know me or have read my posts/blogs, you know about my health condition. It’s been a daily fight to stay positive and not let it get me into a deep hole of depression. Anxiety surfaced in my life where it paralyzed me more than my Multiple Sclerosis. Having panic attacks whenever I have to leave my house, having thoughts of dying because my brain won’t stop, not knowing if my legs won’t work the next morning etc.
It’s an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I’d love to continue to post every SINGLE day like I was but I had to slow down; other factors are involved that I can’t really discuss. But this journey I have been on has opened me up and really exposing my raw wounds. I finally have healthcare insurance after 5 LONG months. I have a lot of testing and treatments that I’ll be undergoing; so it’s made my schedule now busy doing those things.
One frustrating thing I will say is that I hate how normal I may look on the outside. I smile, I wear makeup and I seem like a regular woman. But if I could only explain the pain that’s behind my skin and bones. I can truly express my gratefulness of my parents who are now my caretakers and Jehovah God for holding me down during this time. I feel like I’ve incurred so many losses month after month from no job to no money to no car or being able to drive period.
The list could go on, but I want to at least give you guys a catch up and to know that I truly LOVE and APPRECIATE my faithful followers and supporters during this time and those who have taken the time to check in on me! One day soon I will be back on the radar and coming up with some new things. And even if I’m not posting, anyone is welcome to message me or comment on my post to talk 🙂
With love Xo
Hi guys! So I posted this on my IG as well with the same conversation but I wanted to extend this out to my fellow bloggers!
Reading this post broke me down to the core. Every thing about this resonates with me and my current situation. It’s so easy to get caught up in thinking we need to be this perfect person to appease those around us. When you are battling ailments, you automatically think you need to be even stronger to show face that you can “do it”.
But we are going to have days, weeks, months and even years where we are never the same again because of our health. There will be people that come and go out your life on account of it and let me tell you it’s the most healthiest transition; because in times where you’re at your “ugliest” moments, those who stay are the most precious. And trust me when I say they are FEW.
I always would say “ why can’t I get the same love and support I have to those same people when they were low, back?” How is that fair? But I had to learn that even if it was an ounce of love I got from anyone I never got it from, that it was enough. And ultimately that contentment has to come from within me.
Trying to explain and help others to understand the daily struggle of my sickness is exhausting. It’s more exhausting because I am still standing and I don’t look like I’m dying when every muscle in my body is hurting. Do you know what it feels like to wake up wondering if you’ll walk again? If you’ll ever be able to get out the house without anxiety crippling you?
And I really don’t care if I sound dramatic. I’m a real human with real feelings and there are SO many others who suffer from this. But if you feel like this, acknowledge it love! And please know you are not alone; accept that this is what you deal with and some days will be painful and some will be better. But never ever think how you feel isn’t VALID.
If you struggle with any ailments I’d love to hear your story or if you just need somewhere to release, leave a comment – let’s talks💕
Why do we think it’s okay to give others the benefit of the doubt and not ourselves?
Why do we constantly feel alone when we are trying to give ourselves time to heal?
Why do we allow every roaming eyeball to stick to our skin when their judgements will remain whether we do good or bad?
Have any of these things occurred to you today? I know my mind is currently swirling with these opinions and thoughts from the outside. The crazy thing is, these are thoughts created in my mind and can very well not even be coming out of peoples mouths. We constantly assume what other people can be thinking of us when we really don’t know.
Life is a movie. We all walk around playing a part and some of us do it very well. But when we go home and close the blinds, there is a part of us that is dark and no one can see but you. In moments of that darkness, we have to validate our emotions, in that even if people only see that darkness, it’s oddly the brightest sight we see. Why?
Because that darkness is who we truly are and what we truly feel, what we truly fight day after day. It gets exhausting, isn’t it, to be hiding this part of you that you desperately want accepted but never truly will? It all boils down to a balance within our minds – is my life pursuing something right or wrong; not if my life is acceptable to people or not.
Me, personally, I have never been the type to hold back my emotions. I always say how I feel and it’s raw. If I’m quiet, then that’s dangerous because eventually that fire will spit out and burn. I’ve been burned enough and my scales are healing.
But we can’t let that monster in our minds destroy us from thinking what we do and don’t deserve. I have to fight off the feeling of running back to what i feel is comfortable for me; when in reality led me to this place of healing. I had to realize that the harder this gets and the harder this feels, it’s only alerting me that I have to try harder in validating this crucial acceptance.
No one else can do this for me and that’s the scariest part.
I often lay in bed and just retrace everything that has happened in the past 5 years for me. There are moments I want to relive and there are moments that puzzle me, as to why they ended this way.
There are people that have gone from my main priority to struggling to hold on to whatever is left. I went from making other people’s lives my own to facing my life with an open chest.
I then think about my childhood and how things I’ve witnessed, things I’ve been deprived of and situations that have left me scarred, left me here somehow breathing today. No doubt, these experiences are resurfacing and causing pain and confusion in my womanhood.
What does it feel like to be truly accepted? What does it feel like to not where a mask in your own home? What does it feel like to own yourself and build a wall with bricks and not burn like hay? What does it feel like, to feel?
I’ve always heard “everything happens for a reason” and I can’t say that enough this year more than ever. I have seen my life take a 360 and I was getting tired of not feeling like I was valid. In the healing process, I knew that had to come from inside of me; but can you fault me for not still wanting the most important people to understand me? Or even you?
Doesn’t it hurt when all you do is take care of other people and you’re leaving yourself open to every jab life throws at you? Let’s just stop there. Everyone’s story is painful and I will never exhaust my words to make that known.
There are still parts of me that I can’t fully express to the world and that bothers me. There are people I want to mention but I can’t and that saddens me. I want to let you in but I can’t and that makes me feel alone.
I am in a place that I don’t want to be.
I’ll elaborate on this though and I’m sure if some eyes saw this they wouldn’t approve but what the heck. This is my life and I’ll open as much as I can.
I’m not working right now, as a matter of fact I can’t. Since April of this year, my body has took a turn that I have never felt. I’ve explained to many of my supporters that I have Multiple Sclerosis and how challenging it can be. I am only 25 and saying that I can’t work makes me feel extremely useless.
A girl like me dreams of working hard, saving money and getting married. But now I have to focus more on what the next step is to take care of myself. I’m struggling to get health insurance, I’m on no medication to keep the pain at bay for my body, I’m tired of taking injections all over my body and leaving me with scars, I’m done with my anxiety taking over my precious independence that I have left.
And yet what am I doing despite that pain?
I am pushing and pushing so that I won’t disappoint myself, so that my parents don’t feel I’m being a burden, so that I can prove to others that I can still do it. But deep down it hurts everyday to wake up, to walk or move. I get tired of beating myself up for not being able to commit to plans I make, I get tired of feeling judged because I look normal on the outside and I get tired of feeling like my situation has no place in the air.
Yes this is me complaining. Yes this is me venting but so much because what I say and feel matters. I have to help myself realize that I DO MATTER.
I had to tell myself that I AM BEAUTIFUL. I had to tell myself that my body doesn’t make me who I am if I lose or gain weight on and off. I had to tell myself that if people care and love me, they will support me; and it’ll be a few amount. It all boiled down to ME.
So this is who I am. I write and I push to be positive and I share my story to make people feel they are in a warm place. But don’t be fooled, some wounds heal and some are just like chronic pain.
But here’s the most beautiful thing about it all: it’ll make me so strong and so powerful. I’m just loading my full potential.
Hey guys !
It’s been a few weeks since I have posted something. As usual, I was encouraged or inspired by this topic because I find that its easy to look outside our circle for love.
It’s sad that sometimes we tend to desire attention or love from someone that is not adequate enough to supply it to us. And honestly, first and foremost, that love has to come from within.
We tend to miss out on those who are “down for us” when we become to busy being dragged by another body through the mud. I still haven’t figured out why that is. I know I wasted so much time trying to revive someone else and suffering in the process. And where is that person now?
Most of them are off with their lives not caring one ounce about me. But as time has gone on, I have realized even if it is just one person that has my back and shows love unconditionally, that is enough for me. I get smacked back to reality when I see love shown from others that truly care and it doesn’t matter how many are in my circle.
It helps me to cherish those people because they are truly genuine and they will never fail me. I’ve never understood enough of the saying ” quality over quanitity” until this year. Seeing people come and go out of my life has made me grateful.
Hi my fellow bloggers! It’s happening and I’m tooooooo excited! I have been trying my best to put my blood, sweat and tears into this one.
My first book was literally my heart on a paper and so will this collection! But with this one I am looking to be more in depth and detailed with what my heart went through – which combines perfectly with Volume One.
I am looking to publish her by November this year but will definitely keep all in tune with the final publish date 😁. I hope that all my readers will enjoy this just as much and others who haven’t seen my writing that they’ll be inclined to read both collections!
If you haven’t already, definitely check out my work on Instagram @speakunspokenly !
I’ll keep in touch my loves ❤️
I know I’ve been popping in and out of my blog and I’ll always apologize for that! I’ve been trying to keep up with everything.
But today I have a topic that’s been heavy on my noggin lately, boundaries. This is something I am sure we have ALL come to realize is necessary in life. Like us all, setting these boundaries can become difficult and uncomfortable, whether it’s us that has to set them or someone set them on us LOL.
Setting limits and boundaries is essential to growth in our lives. In the last year, I’ve had so many ups and downs with friendships and close people in my life, that I had to learn where to prioritize everything. At first, I didn’t think it would even need to be necessary within my family circle but even more so with those your closest with! To be able to take care of myself and be strong mentally, physically and emotionally, I had to learn where to step back.
The past few months, I learned so much about myself. I had to look in my life where I needed to make adjustments and where that extra energy could be used. I had to start looking at those who surrounded me, if they were givers or takers. Now anyone that knows me, knows I have a huge heart and when I give I give in a large way with no expectation of something in return; but I feel there are levels to that.
If 9/10 times I am giving to someone and they give me 1/10 then something is wrong. My issues is I created a comfort zone for people to get nice and warm. So for them is was a given for me to drop everything I was doing or buy them this or that. I learned that I can’t spoil people and this is STILL something I am working hard on.
I got lost in giving love and trying to make someone else happy that I wasn’t giving that to myself. I suffered in a big way by doing that and even taking it personal if people were ungrateful for what I would do for them. So this is where boundaries had to come in. I still fall short of this but I can say I think I a lot more before I do things for people now.
What I keep in my mind is, if someone treats me differently that it isn’t always about me. At times, we take things personal when people become distant or start to take advantage. Instead of being “petty” I’ve learned to just step back and what people put out I give right back to them.
In doing that, it leaves me more refreshed and not as though I’ve given someone my last drop. And some may have no legitimate reason for leaving your life or acting “brand new”, which you may just need to accept. I stopped questioning why people do things and just go with the flow; saved me less stress in my life.
These were just few ways I learned to set boundaries in my life. If we don’t take care of ourselves or allow people to walk with muddy tracks in our lives, then we are in trouble. It’s always better late than never but it’s attainable !
I’d love to hear anyone’s thoughts on this! Have a Happy Sunday 💛