I never really thought this day would come or fall into my lap the way that it did. Every time I think of it, warm tears well up in my eyes. I’ve always felt insecure and I’ve always felt extremely vulnerable trying to rip the pain that’s inside me and plaster it on my skin.
When you’ve fought so hard to prove a point and you fought so hard to be seen differently than what you portray, it builds up. I never knew I could still be alive while I held my breath for 8 long years with this monster we call Multiple Sclerosis. I found ways to exhale while not letting out a breath. I had the best force of help from my Heavenly Father, I had a support system that didn’t need to be hand full amounts of people; just the ones who wanted to stick around. And I always found ways to make my pain so beautiful that it became invisible.
So now I’m here, exhaling and gaining color back to my skin. It feels beyond surreal and it feels like I’m in another world. To be able to open up a chapter that will break down the walls of anxiety is such a blessing. To no longer be carrying extra loads of wet sand on my heart feels amazing. To know that I can take a break feels abnormal because all I’ve ever known is to fight for everyone else but me.. but me is all I have and now I can receive what I deserve.
And now I can focus on bettering myself and now I can show people worth having around me, how I deserve to be treated because now I have put myself first. So you ask “what does it feel like to exhale?” It’s a compilation of emotions but the next time I inhale, beware of the strength I release once I exhale.