self love

Boundaries, It’s Healthy

Hi guys! 
I know I’ve been popping in and out of my blog and I’ll always apologize for that! I’ve been trying to keep up with everything. 
But today I have a topic that’s been heavy on my noggin lately, boundaries. This is something I am sure we have ALL come to realize is necessary in life. Like us all, setting these boundaries can become difficult and uncomfortable, whether it’s us that has to set them or someone set them on us LOL. 
Setting limits and boundaries is essential to growth in our lives. In the last year, I’ve had so many ups and downs with friendships and close people in my life, that I had to learn where to prioritize everything. At first, I didn’t think it would even need to be necessary within my family circle but even more so with those your closest with! To be able to take care of myself and be strong mentally, physically and emotionally, I had to learn where to step back. 

The past few months, I learned so much about myself. I had to look in my life where I needed to make adjustments and where that extra energy could be used. I had to start looking at those who surrounded me, if they were givers or takers. Now anyone that knows me, knows I have a huge heart and when I give I give in a large way with no expectation of something in return; but I feel there are levels to that. 
If 9/10 times I am giving to someone and they give me 1/10 then something is wrong. My issues is I created a comfort zone for people to get nice and warm. So for them is was a given for me to drop everything I was doing or buy them this or that. I learned that I can’t spoil people and this is STILL something I am working hard on. 
I got lost in giving love and trying to make someone else happy that I wasn’t giving that to myself. I suffered in a big way by doing that and even taking it personal if people were ungrateful for what I would do for them. So this is where boundaries had to come in. I still fall short of this but I can say I think I a lot more before I do things for people now. 
What I keep in my mind is, if someone treats me differently that it isn’t always about me. At times, we take things personal when people become distant or start to take advantage. Instead of being “petty” I’ve learned to just step back and what people put out I give right back to them. 
In doing that, it leaves me more refreshed and not as though I’ve given someone my last drop. And some may have no legitimate reason for leaving your life or acting “brand new”, which you may just need to accept. I stopped questioning why people do things and just go with the flow; saved me less stress in my life. 
These were just few ways I learned to set boundaries in my life. If we don’t take care of ourselves or allow people to walk with muddy tracks in our lives, then we are in trouble. It’s always better late than never but it’s attainable ! 
I’d love to hear anyone’s thoughts on this! Have a Happy Sunday 💛

self love

Don’t be a slave to approval

Have you ever just felt like you are constantly misunderstood? Every time you open your mouth to someone, you feel should understand you, it just turns into thin air? 
I read something so profound that basically explained how when we are frustrated with how we are being treated it goes deeper than just the situation. We have to sit back and analyze where in our lives were we treated the same in our childhood. 
I put it this way: when we become angry for whatever particular reason, we tend to look at others as a punching bag. Instantly we start lashing and trying to explain our plight and how we feel; desperately wanting them to understand. We want to be validated right? But at times we may almost NEVER receive validation from whom we want it to come from. You ever feel worse off after arguing or going off on someone? It didn’t solve anything other than making the situation that much worse. 
Everyday I am coming to this resounding conclusion that any and everything we go through always points back to us. Wouldn’t you agree if your more confident, the less effected you would be by what others think? If you love yourself more than appeasing others, wouldn’t you be left less disappointed? If you are comfortable with who you are and being alone, would you be content if someone leaves you? 
We can break this down into various situations where this can apply. Don’t get me wrong, this is WAY easier said than done but I can almost assure you that it makes a lot of sense if you think about it. The insecurities, the aches, the pains all derive from within us. We can’t look to others to neither fix it nor validate it. Ultimately people sense our pushing to try and be something we are not like blood to a shark. We may have some that we can depend on that understand our situations but we can never truly feel BETTER until we BELIEVE it. 

self love

Emotional Guilt

Hi guys !

I’m so sorry I haven’t kept up with my blog for quite a few weeks. I have been busy with nurturing my IG page ( speakunspokenly) and Twitter ( lanillarose) with my work which by the way give me a follow if you haven’t already 🙂 But this will be short and sweet.

Also trying to take care of myself health wise which leads into our conversation :

Having emotional guilt – So i am sure we can all admit that we are our worst enemy right? We are constantly badgering ourselves and giving, giving and giving without refueling.

Many times, I found myself feeling like i needed to pay more attention to the people around me and making sure they were okay as oppose to myself. Why is it that we do that ? I have found that when their is a constant hole inside of me that needs to be filled, I am always searching for someone else to complete that for me. But others are able to do as they please without necessarily considering my emotions. How is that fair?

Now heres the thing – it all depends on your intentions. Their are just some people who are truly selfish and who just don’t care about giving back what they receive. But the important thing is who we are giving our precious gems to. Are they worthy of it or are you left in emotional debt in return? I always felt so guilty if i said “no” but i would feel crushed when others said it to me.

Here I would be sick or in the hospital and who was there sitting next to me .. Or calling me or texting me just to see if i am okay.. But i run to there rescue.

See, it is all about balance. Its okay to give and be there for someone but don’t let it get to the point of where someone gets comfortable and has an emotional leverage against you. Thats not benefiting you in any way. You have to start saying no and prioritizing yourself and your needs,

How can you offer, if you don’t offer to yourself what you give to other people?

Let’s talk about it 🙂

self love

Quality over Quantity – Poem❤️

For a long time I held hands with souls
Soon to be dragged through

the mud as my heart began 

to feel empty

I yearned for love in an 

imaginary place

It seemed as though the fuel

resided from a place I neglected

From two special places

Within my own heart and hearts 

that chased me through the storm

It’s sad how we surpass those 

rooting for us in the dark 

While running after those who

didn’t have the light

Learn to cherish those who give

quality in your life and not those

who represent as numbers ..

Because eventually you’ll be left

With 

Zero 

self love

Friendships – Who’s your “bestie”?

Hi guys !

I was completely inspired to write on this topic because i feel SO many can relate to this. I don’t even really know where to begin because there are so many variables to this topic. But I figured lets start with an excerpt from my debut poetry collection “Table for One” . This poem will segue into this discussion:

 

Misconception

I think people have trouble defining what true friendship is. It’s not

about the money, it’s not about the gifts, and it’s not about the good

times.

It’s when you’ve hit rock bottom and who will answer your phone

call or who will be on their way to your house when you need a

friend. It’s not about giving the same as how others give because love

is given differently. It’s the principle.

It’s the time when you both have goals to meet and yet you grow

together achieving them, not growing apart. It’s about listening to

stories that hurt even if they say they’re over it. It involves wiping

tears, but truthfully, it’s a two-way street. We can both have different

paths but still climb the same direction.

I get it, life gets in the way. I get it, circumstances change. But like

love, a connection should never fade. I’ve found myself helping to

heal wounds while mine were left untouched. I found myself with

more scars than hearts I reached.

I stopped making excuses. I stopped giving chances that I was never

given. I stopped listening to lies unspoken but seen. I stopped thinking

that what I give can never be matched. I started believing that I was

the problem. Oh trust me, I’ve learned, and I won’t sit here and

continue to maintain.

Just realize that true friendship should never be a game.

 

Okay! So after who’ve read that, I’m sure you can relate to that feeling. When you’ve become friends with people and only feel your presence is needed when its for someones else’s selfish gain. Or have you stood around group of people and literally felt like no matter how hard you try to squeeze into a spot for yourself, you can not fit in? Where you stand there and feel so uncomfortable and lose your identity in the crowd? I know i have been there too many times.

Ever since middle school, I found myself trying to FIT IN and be “down” with the crowd. And hey, that is completely normal to find the type of crowd you want to be around. But I will say I was that person who got stomped on. I vividly remember one day going up the stairs to my next class and I wanted to be friends so bad with this group of girls and I tripped up the stairs and bumped into a this girl. She said to me “Watch where your going and tie my shoes too” and what did I do? I did it. All because I felt like I wanted to appease this ungrateful individual.

I look back at moments where I have become so close with people and given them every ounce of me and I literally got nothing in comparison. Now listen, I get everyone gives and receives love differently but there is a fine line you know? You should never ever feel you have to go outside of yourself to please a “real” friend. We have to stop making excuses for people just because we are afraid to be alone or afraid to lose them when in reality based on your circumstances, they are not healthy for you.

I have learned, people coming in and out of your life is a good thing. I’ve had people I called my “best friends” and where are they now? I try not to put a label on things as well so as to not disappoint. Staying who you are and thinking of yourself is so important. The right people will gravitate towards you. I’m in a place in my life where I almost feel people have to tip toe around me because of my limitations or when I’ve gone into depression. Thats cool I get no one will understand what I am going through, but i have realized that i shouldn’t have to feel that I need to go the extra mile to keep people there. If you want to understand me and love me for who I am then thats awesome and I will feel that energy no matter what. But I have no problem letting people go out of my life.

Now some may say thats harsh – if anyone knows me well I am the most loving being and I take care of people I love. But I have to take care of me now and just because I have let people go does not mean that I hate them. That is one quality I do not possess. I just don’t have room for people to make me feel I am inferior to them. To me, I would never treat anyone differently based on their circumstances, color, health situation etc. But the biggest key I’ve learned as well, is to not have any expectation. The less I expect, the less hurt I am.

I’m working on this heavily because its no easy task. But in writing my first book, the title really signifies being alone. Learning to be on your own is daunting and vulnerable ! Its been scary being in a corner with my thoughts. But I’m evolving so much and i am seeing in different areas of my life what is healthy for me and whats not. And more specifically the type of people i cleave to.

I am no longer allowing people to play me like a game and be so use to the old parts of me. Finding new friends and embarking new journeys is my focus and at this point, who ever wants to stay in my life will stay and will not feel neglected.

Thanks for reading ! xo

self love

Behind The Muse – Lady of the Month

Hello fellow Bloggers! So some great things have happen within the course of few days. With everything that’s been going on healthwise, this has been a breath of fresh are to take part in. 

Three wonderful ladies have a fashion blog called Behind the Muse , where they feature different ones who intrigue inspiration. I was honored to be featured in their blog for this month !

It features a video interview of myself that explains more of my character and how I started writing. Also, explaining some more things in my book and what I have in store for my future readers ! 

Click this link to see the FULL interview ❤️Book Interview

Also I had the pleasure of being a guest Speaker at Roselle High School NJ. I spoke with a group of students who were apart of a club ( People of Color Alliance) and also some from the CreativeWriting Class. I was truly humbled by both experiences an being able to reach hearts. 

I had my first spoken word which was soooo awesome yet nerve racking ! But to hear my words come forth, it really embodies the type of person I am. In writing it’s taught me so much about myself and where I want to go in my journey as a women learning to love her heart. 

It’s really no easy task but it’s beautiful healing my own pain. Telling myself and my heart that things will be okay. I never knew I could honestly be my “own” best friend. This has put my in a open and vulnerable place where people are learning parts of me that are painful. 

But I also I’m very avid in providing a space for people , especially women, to feel safe in expressing themselves. Many may not be in a position to or maybe just don’t know how. And feeling a presence of someone through words is very unique and beautiful feeling. 

I hope that I can entrust and touch more and more hearts it’s truly a goal of mine. This is only the beginning! Thank you all for supporting me and if you haven’t gotten your copy yet please do today! It’s available on Amazon! 

self love

The Cracks behind my Smile

This blog post is bit personal. Some may feel this is not big deal but it is to me. As my recent post expressed, I suffer from chronic illness, Multiple Sclerosis. I’ve been on Medical leave from work for two months now and its been a very heavy rollercoaster.

I was at work, and i started to go numb on my left side up to my spine and onto my tongue. I remember that morning i couldn’t even function but i pushed to make it into work because thats who i am, a pusher. Im not one to give up and i am always looking for ways to do more and excel more.

Ive been working full-time for 4 years non stop, moved to another state for a few months and came back, with really no breaks unless i had a really bad flare up and had to go on treatment – which was almost twice a year due to the stress working brought on for me. I was an over achiever and it caught up with my body.

Until this past April everything changed for me. After feeling that numbness, I immediately left work and came home in tears. I laid down and couldn’t feel anything. Tension grew from the frustration this had all caused. I kept thinking “ WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?” I didn’t know where this was going to take me.

I had been going through some other rough situations and it took a huge toll on me emotionally and work was my perfect distraction – I felt independent with my head on straight. Needless to say my doctor put me out of work to take a break. I’m thinking okay i should be good after month but i kept thinking how will my bills get paid & what am i going to do with all that time. But in the back of my head i started thinking what my body can and can’t truly handle.

Within that time, the numbness persisted and then i couldn’t walk well. So here comes using my cane. I have no shame in using what i need physically, but it makes me sad. So many say “ It can be so much worse” and yes it very well could be. But it does not shut down what i am dealing with. It hurts terribly i can’t even express it in words. Writing this blog has me in tears.

Soon after i had to take treatment for a week and it was aggressive this go around, which left me in so much more pain. On top of that, it caused weight gain which didn’t help my confidence. Now, I am still out of work because I’m not making any progress with how I’m healing. I can’t feel part of my face at times. Smiling feels weird because of the muscle spasms I’ve been having in my face and legs. More limitations are coming into play and now my depression has kicked in heavily this past week.

Granted i have been blessed with publishing my first book- which the content really personifies exactly what’s been taking an emotionally toll on me.  Writing has been an amazing tool for me to let my motions out. Lately, its been tough to see my friends go out and have fun and travel etc. In no way am i not happy for them, but it hurts because the things i once use to be able to do, i can’t anymore.

Financially is been hard to do anything and being able to be understood. Times like this can make one feel really alone. I don’t mean to post this to be a drag or depressing – but this is to be real and raw that despite a smile and holding on for dear life, these breakdowns exist in everyones life. And sometimes we don’t know what people are going through.

Tonight i let out tears that I’ve been holding in for some time and these words had to flow out of me. Although this is difficult i don’t plan on stopping my hustle. I have goals and things i want to reach for and i have love to share always. But i needed to releasee this and hoping one day soon things will get better, and the love to be returning back to me.