self love

The Cracks behind my Smile

This blog post is bit personal. Some may feel this is not big deal but it is to me. As my recent post expressed, I suffer from chronic illness, Multiple Sclerosis. I’ve been on Medical leave from work for two months now and its been a very heavy rollercoaster.

I was at work, and i started to go numb on my left side up to my spine and onto my tongue. I remember that morning i couldn’t even function but i pushed to make it into work because thats who i am, a pusher. Im not one to give up and i am always looking for ways to do more and excel more.

Ive been working full-time for 4 years non stop, moved to another state for a few months and came back, with really no breaks unless i had a really bad flare up and had to go on treatment – which was almost twice a year due to the stress working brought on for me. I was an over achiever and it caught up with my body.

Until this past April everything changed for me. After feeling that numbness, I immediately left work and came home in tears. I laid down and couldn’t feel anything. Tension grew from the frustration this had all caused. I kept thinking “ WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?” I didn’t know where this was going to take me.

I had been going through some other rough situations and it took a huge toll on me emotionally and work was my perfect distraction – I felt independent with my head on straight. Needless to say my doctor put me out of work to take a break. I’m thinking okay i should be good after month but i kept thinking how will my bills get paid & what am i going to do with all that time. But in the back of my head i started thinking what my body can and can’t truly handle.

Within that time, the numbness persisted and then i couldn’t walk well. So here comes using my cane. I have no shame in using what i need physically, but it makes me sad. So many say “ It can be so much worse” and yes it very well could be. But it does not shut down what i am dealing with. It hurts terribly i can’t even express it in words. Writing this blog has me in tears.

Soon after i had to take treatment for a week and it was aggressive this go around, which left me in so much more pain. On top of that, it caused weight gain which didn’t help my confidence. Now, I am still out of work because I’m not making any progress with how I’m healing. I can’t feel part of my face at times. Smiling feels weird because of the muscle spasms I’ve been having in my face and legs. More limitations are coming into play and now my depression has kicked in heavily this past week.

Granted i have been blessed with publishing my first book- which the content really personifies exactly what’s been taking an emotionally toll on me.  Writing has been an amazing tool for me to let my motions out. Lately, its been tough to see my friends go out and have fun and travel etc. In no way am i not happy for them, but it hurts because the things i once use to be able to do, i can’t anymore.

Financially is been hard to do anything and being able to be understood. Times like this can make one feel really alone. I don’t mean to post this to be a drag or depressing – but this is to be real and raw that despite a smile and holding on for dear life, these breakdowns exist in everyones life. And sometimes we don’t know what people are going through.

Tonight i let out tears that I’ve been holding in for some time and these words had to flow out of me. Although this is difficult i don’t plan on stopping my hustle. I have goals and things i want to reach for and i have love to share always. But i needed to releasee this and hoping one day soon things will get better, and the love to be returning back to me.

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