self love

What is beneath your Smile? – Pain and Healing

Everyone has heard of pain and healing and we may all roll our eyes at that sometimes. When we are faced with situations, that leave us literally on the pavement, healing seems unattainable. That’s how I felt at one point and still struggle with mildly. I suffer from Multiple Sclerosis and dealing with a chronic illness touches many assets of your life.

Between relationships, friendships, self esteem, self worth, you name it! When you go from being completely mobile, to a doctor telling you at age 19 that you have a debilitating illness is heart shattering. I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. One thing I can truly say has helped me is my spirituality and relying on my faith to strengthen me. By doing that, I was able to see the beauty within my cracks.

Although each day can be a fighting struggle, you also deal with the outside world not quite understanding how you feel, can’t you agree? No one seems to want to care, looks at you different or just ridicules you. Being young, many think I can spring up and conquer the world! But every single day I am in pain whether I want to admit it or not.

Pain is something we can feel internally and externally; I have to say internally is the most painful. Then healing comes into the picture, trying to become your friend and you don’t know how to keep it there. You start doubting if you’re capable of even making adjustments, being a positive person or genuinely being able to smile.

Well, let me just say it’s possible! I’ve never received so many comments about how much I’ve been radiating lately. It requires time, work and persistence. Am I saying this is easy? Absolutely not! I would be a fool to say you won’t have your bad days. However, I can say that keeping a routine and looking for ways to satisfy that emptiness helps me. Although I have limitations, I know that I can still enjoy life at my OWN pace.

I have created a platform for myself explaining how I dealt with my pain and healing. I thoroughly enjoy writing and poetry and even publish my own collection of poetry “Table for One” which is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online. It is possible to enjoy doing what you love and making small milestones. I’ve learn to do things within reason so that I don’t inflict more pain in my life. Healing is a full-time job and will NEVER stop but you will feel your skin become tighter and tougher.

Never give up on your healing because there are so many gems and beaming light waiting to be seen. So much awareness is being given to those suffering from special needs, chronic illness, mental health and more. We aren’t alone and with the right support we can push through our battles.

Be sure to follow me on social media : @speakunspokenly and my YouTube channel “Unspoken Beyoutee”. Also take a look at a new project I’ve been working with on YouTube and FaceBook called “The Polka Dot Project”! Here are the links:

Unspoken Beyoutee

The Polka Dot Project

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self love

Giving my Feelings a Voice

Hi guys!

So I officially made my YouTube Channel! Ahhhh I’m so nervous and excited at the same time lol. I’ve literally put this on every social platform I have, so pardon my repetition.

I wanted to talk about why I’m doing all these things and switching up the game. I felt like I was so stuck on writing for the most part and that was one step ahead to putting myself out there. However creating videos and hearing my own voice project what my mind feels, makes it more complete for me.

It’s easy to hide behind the screen and honestly it’s also scary to come forward. In posting my first episode of “Unspoken Beauty”, I was terrified! There’s so much negativity out there and people shaming you or correcting you for every little thing. I had to look past that and focus on the message I’m conveying to others.

People want you to feed into their negative vibes so that they can feel better but I rather focus that energy on what makes me happy and how I can comfort others. The main focus of my channel is to bring out more spoken word of my poetry, talk about chronic/mental illnesses and any other topics that’ll bring empowerment to light.

I’m no perfect person and I definitely am not an expert on any of these things; I’m learning just like the rest! But I want to start somewhere and feel comfortable with my journey. I’d love to gauge as many people as possible who want to join my journey in growing and glowing! And maybe one day your unspoken beauty will be heard.

I’ll leave the link attached to my channel – subscribe, like and share 🙂 https://youtu.be/qlKmxpyJ2QI

self love

Distant Existence

Hello my community! I know I haven’t post in quite a long time. Things have been so hectic in my life and schedule, I wouldn’t even know where to begin! I hope everyone else is doing well. I’m going to try and post more and be involved with just writing in general.

I think I always felt it was necessary to post on here only if I had a poem or something with substance to say. However, I realize that writing is just that, writing. I want to express and share my feelings, journeys, excitement, sadness and more with you all.

It’s one thing to write poetry but I also love just speaking from a personal level with how I’m doing. As of late, I’ve been going to doctors appointments almost 3/4 times a week since the beginning of this year. I haven’t really had a moment to breathe. There is so much overwhelming my mind that I’ve just shut down.

I became way too consumed with social media and trying to keep up with everyone and everything. I had to de-clutter and revaluate my surroundings so that I was able to be sane. It’s so easy to get caught up with wanting to be on top like the rest. I’m learning through each stage of my life, the different paths I have to take so that I can stay steady. I’ve lost some in the process and that’s okay.

I’m becoming stronger in so many areas of my life and I wouldn’t trade that for anything or anyone.

For now, I will be working on some content I want to share with you and be more consistent with just speaking and checking in with you all! I’m currently also working on book number 2! I have no promises yet in reference to a publishing time frame but I am working diligently on it.

Feel free to talk to me, ask questions or just view this as a place to vent!

Thank you all for you love and support!

Xo, LA

self love

My Updated Hiatus

It didn’t make sense at first why I had to make a disappearance. Writing is therapy to me and I finally reached my dream of publishing my 1st debut collection.. Of course I am nothing but proud of my accomplishments and to see where I was and where I landed. But I also never paid attention to the real importance of “self care”.

I couldn’t be a hypocrite, advocating self love and self care, when I never TRULY practiced it myself. I won’t lie, it hurts to be away from my writing community and to have to put everything on hold. What’s more frustrating is there really is no time stamp I can put on it. I guess this is my sincere apology for having to cut things short for the time being. I know I shouldn’t have to apologize for taking care of myself but that’s just how I am; I feel it’s warranted.

For those that know me or have read my posts/blogs, you know about my health condition. It’s been a daily fight to stay positive and not let it get me into a deep hole of depression. Anxiety surfaced in my life where it paralyzed me more than my Multiple Sclerosis. Having panic attacks whenever I have to leave my house, having thoughts of dying because my brain won’t stop, not knowing if my legs won’t work the next morning etc.

It’s an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I’d love to continue to post every SINGLE day like I was but I had to slow down; other factors are involved that I can’t really discuss. But this journey I have been on has opened me up and really exposing my raw wounds. I finally have healthcare insurance after 5 LONG months. I have a lot of testing and treatments that I’ll be undergoing; so it’s made my schedule now busy doing those things.

One frustrating thing I will say is that I hate how normal I may look on the outside. I smile, I wear makeup and I seem like a regular woman. But if I could only explain the pain that’s behind my skin and bones. I can truly express my gratefulness of my parents who are now my caretakers and Jehovah God for holding me down during this time. I feel like I’ve incurred so many losses month after month from no job to no money to no car or being able to drive period.

The list could go on, but I want to at least give you guys a catch up and to know that I truly LOVE and APPRECIATE my faithful followers and supporters during this time and those who have taken the time to check in on me! One day soon I will be back on the radar and coming up with some new things. And even if I’m not posting, anyone is welcome to message me or comment on my post to talk 🙂

With love Xo

self love

You’re Not Alone

Hi guys! So I posted this on my IG as well with the same conversation but I wanted to extend this out to my fellow bloggers! 

Reading this post broke me down to the core. Every thing about this resonates with me and my current situation. It’s so easy to get caught up in thinking we need to be this perfect person to appease those around us. When you are battling ailments, you automatically think you need to be even stronger to show face that you can “do it”. 
But we are going to have days, weeks, months and even years where we are never the same again because of our health. There will be people that come and go out your life on account of it and let me tell you it’s the most healthiest transition; because in times where you’re at your “ugliest” moments, those who stay are the most precious. And trust me when I say they are FEW. 
I always would say “ why can’t I get the same love and support I have to those same people when they were low, back?” How is that fair? But I had to learn that even if it was an ounce of love I got from anyone I never got it from, that it was enough. And ultimately that contentment has to come from within me. 
Trying to explain and help others to understand the daily struggle of my sickness is exhausting. It’s more exhausting because I am still standing and I don’t look like I’m dying when every muscle in my body is hurting. Do you know what it feels like to wake up wondering if you’ll walk again? If you’ll ever be able to get out the house without anxiety crippling you? 
And I really don’t care if I sound dramatic. I’m a real human with real feelings and there are SO many others who suffer from this. But if you feel like this, acknowledge it love! And please know you are not alone; accept that this is what you deal with and some days will be painful and some will be better. But never ever think how you feel isn’t VALID. 
If you struggle with any ailments I’d love to hear your story or if you just need somewhere to release, leave a comment – let’s talks💕

self love

Why? – A repeated question. 

Why do we think it’s okay to give others the benefit of the doubt and not ourselves? 

Why do we constantly feel alone when we are trying to give ourselves time to heal? 

Why do we allow every roaming eyeball to stick to our skin when their judgements will remain whether we do good or bad? 

Why?

Have any of these things occurred to you today? I know my mind is currently swirling with these opinions and thoughts from the outside. The crazy thing is, these are thoughts created in my mind and can very well not even be coming out of peoples mouths. We constantly assume what other people can be thinking of us when we really don’t know. 

Life is a movie. We all walk around playing a part and some of us do it very well. But when we go home and close the blinds, there is a part of us that is dark and no one can see but you. In moments of that darkness, we have to validate our emotions, in that even if people only see that darkness, it’s oddly the brightest sight we see. Why? 

Because that darkness is who we truly are and what we truly feel, what we truly fight day after day. It gets exhausting, isn’t it, to be hiding this part of you that you desperately want accepted but never truly will? It all boils down to a balance within our minds – is my life pursuing something right or wrong; not if my life is acceptable to people or not. 

Me, personally, I have never been the type to hold back my emotions. I always say how I feel and it’s raw. If I’m quiet, then that’s dangerous because eventually that fire will spit out and burn. I’ve been burned enough  and my scales are healing. 

But we can’t let that monster in our minds destroy us from thinking what we do and don’t deserve. I have to fight off the feeling of running back to what i feel is comfortable for me; when in reality led me to this place of healing. I had to realize that the harder this gets and the harder this feels, it’s only alerting me that I have to try harder in validating this crucial acceptance. 

No one else can do this for me and that’s the scariest part. 

self love

Healing Wounds as Emotions Rip Them Open

I often lay in bed and just retrace everything that has happened in the past 5 years for me. There are moments I want to relive and there are moments that puzzle me, as to why they ended this way. 
There are people that have gone from my main priority to struggling to hold on to whatever is left. I went from making other people’s lives my own to facing my life with an open chest. 
I then think about my childhood and how things I’ve witnessed, things I’ve been deprived of and situations that have left me scarred, left me here somehow breathing today. No doubt, these experiences are resurfacing and causing pain and confusion in my womanhood. 
What does it feel like to be truly accepted? What does it feel like to not where a mask in your own home? What does it feel like to own yourself and build a wall with bricks and not burn like hay? What does it feel like, to feel?
I’ve always heard “everything happens for a reason” and I can’t say that enough this year more than ever. I have seen my life take a 360 and I was getting tired of not feeling like I was valid. In the healing process, I knew that had to come from inside of me; but can you fault me for not still wanting the most important people to understand me? Or even you?
Doesn’t it hurt when all you do is take care of other people and you’re leaving yourself open to every jab life throws at you? Let’s just stop there. Everyone’s story is painful and I will never exhaust my words to make that known. 
There are still parts of me that I can’t fully express to the world and that bothers me. There are people I want to mention but I can’t and that saddens me. I want to let you in but I can’t and that makes me feel alone. 
I am in a place that I don’t want to be. 
I’ll elaborate on this though and I’m sure if some eyes saw this they wouldn’t approve but what the heck. This is my life and I’ll open as much as I can. 
I’m not working right now, as a matter of fact I can’t. Since April of this year, my body has took a turn that I have never felt. I’ve explained to many of my supporters that I have Multiple Sclerosis and how challenging it can be. I am only 25 and saying that I can’t work makes me feel extremely useless. 
A girl like me dreams of working hard, saving money and getting married. But now I have to focus more on what the next step is to take care of myself. I’m struggling to get health insurance, I’m on no medication to keep the pain at bay for my body, I’m tired of taking injections all over my body and leaving me with scars, I’m done with my anxiety taking over my precious independence that I have left. 
And yet what am I doing despite that pain?
I am pushing and pushing so that I won’t disappoint myself, so that my parents don’t feel I’m being a burden, so that I can prove to others that I can still do it. But deep down it hurts everyday to wake up, to walk or move. I get tired of beating myself up for not being able to commit to plans I make, I get tired of feeling judged because I look normal on the outside and I get tired of feeling like my situation has no place in the air. 
Yes this is me complaining. Yes this is me venting but so much because what I say and feel matters. I have to help myself realize that I DO MATTER. 
I had to tell myself that I AM BEAUTIFUL. I had to tell myself that my body doesn’t make me who I am if I lose or gain weight on and off. I had to tell myself that if people care and love me, they will support me; and it’ll be a few amount. It all boiled down to ME. 
So this is who I am. I write and I push to be positive and I share my story to make people feel they are in a warm place. But don’t be fooled, some wounds heal and some are just like chronic pain. 
But here’s the most beautiful thing about it all: it’ll make me so strong and so powerful. I’m just loading my full potential.