self love

New Poem: In honor of my Blog One Month Anniversary ❤️

I was walking

with no color

no oxygen

turning purple

I was holding

everything in

not realizing

that I was dying

multiple times

I was thinking

hiding me

hiding tears

hiding pain

was protecting

me..

thats what

It felt like

ignoring my

feelings

I felt so

suffocated

But soon

I was able

to exhale

when I gave me

a chance to live

Free of judgement

Free of identification

that resided with

opinions other

than mine.

self love

Table For One by Laura Ashley Laraque Mini Poetry Review — chicnerdreads

Title: Table for One Author: Laura Ashley Laraque Genre: Poetry Publisher: CreateSpace Format: Paperback Rating: 5 out of 5 stars Synopsis from Goodreads: This book talks about a female who has experienced what many have, heart break. In the midst of her pain, she takes on a journey to learn to love herself. Also, expressing emotions and looking back on memories […]

via Table For One by Laura Ashley Laraque Mini Poetry Review — chicnerdreads

self love

Can we just be friends? – Lets talk about this. 

” I want us to just be friends, why can’t we?” This is a famous line I’ve heard ever too often after someone feels they can no longer be in a relationship with me. They’ll hit you with ” we were friends before why can’t we be friends again.”

My theory on that – if they feel they can be friends with you the way things use to be, then maybe they were never ever fully invested in the relationship. I understand that in a relationship someone is always more invested than the other but it should always be balanced. 

Then what I always find baffling is when they want to be friends with you, all of a sudden they want to still have some level of control. If you make new friends , if you start talking to someone else , they seem to get possessive. Ummm where was this when we were together ?

Some may disagree and you are entitled but there is NO WAY that you can be friends when someone you ever invested your heart and life too. It’s impossible. There will always be risiduals and it’s also not fair to the next person in your next relationship. Chemistry and spark always sits with someone who saw your life with and fell in love with. You never want to be put in compromising situation. 

And when you’ve broken up – let go. It happened for a reason. There’s no obligation to stay friends with someone who hurt you – let alone someone who doesn’t deserve you. It’s a time for you to be alone and find yourself. To learn what you will and won’t tolerate in the next relationship. This even goes for toxic friendships. Anything or anyone you commit to – this can happen. 

Now everything is your own choice at the end of the day. And you and your heart will deal with whatever comes with it. But save your precious soul the damage from continuing to save something out of nothing. Who knows maybe down the line you cross paths and you can graciously acknowledge the person. 

But if you want your answer – no we can’t be friends. As much as it hurts , as much as you want hope, as much as you just want things to be the same. We can’t reverse it.. Trust me I know how painful it is. Ive had some hard losses this past two years and it’s only led me to see such a bigger picture. 

Don’t let slthat person continue to blind you or keep you around for their comfort. You’ll just be trapped forever. Spread your wings and do better just as they are. And trust me even if you don’t see it or hear it , their wishing they never hurt you.. and their seeing you prosper. But ultimately make sure your doing this for YOU and the blessings will prosper. 

Hope you enjoy! Like & Share. Xox 

self love

Invisible Footprints – Move Silently

This reminds me of the excerpt in my book “Table for One” — when one of my lines mentioned ” I walk q u i e t l y”. The reason why this stands out to me is because i feel its especially prevalent to when we want to succeed right?

In wanting to write my book or honestly generally when wanting to do something for myself, I found that i was always so quick to tell someone about it or try to get ideas. Now theres nothing wrong with confiding in someone with your ideas or goals you have set out. But i find that when we have precious endeavors, somehow we tend to see a domino effect. I say that meaning, you tend to see some who will either support you or don’t, you’ll have those with negative things to say or positive and you’ll have some that have a million opinions.

Doesn’t that low key KILL YOU VIBE? lol I know i can see majority nodding their head – because its so true. I learned this the hard way and i had to realize that the less i said the more i was able to achieve my goals freely. You may have so many that say ” Oh you did that? or Why did you do this?” The questions start flooding and the assumptions start digging deeper.

For one, no one owes anyone an explanation as to why they did something – because its for YOU. I’ve seen so many people do things for themselves without even caring about the outside and i sit there wondering if i do something how its going to affect the next person. We really cant become so absorbed by that. Yes there are levels to being sensitive towards people but our every move can’t be governed by someone else’s validation. We will never succeed that way.

If you want to do anything remember to always do it for yourself and no one else. I know this applied to me. I had to think if i am truly content with my decision, then i cant care about what others will say, Now we cant stop people from voicing their opinion so be READY for it. But it’s all how you retain that opinion and move forward.

Any negative vibes you get, take it and use it as fuel to your fire. Continue to pursue what makes you happy within reason. The way i see it is people talk whether you doing GOOD or BAD so why stop from doing what makes YOU happy? When it came to writing it was my safe haven and will always be a place where the paper will never judge me and my pen can free expose itself.

So if your thinking of doing something super amazing Im proud of you! Keep going for it but keep in mind of who you let into your ambitions and who to keep out. Keep your footprints moving but silently. The less you give to others the less power you allow them to destroy your foundation.

Just a positive reminder 🙂

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Underneath my Skin

There are things we go through that we can’t talk about. There are things that hurt deep beneath our skin that make us weak. There are things that tingle your tear ducts when you think of the pain it brought. 

I can’t really pinpoint the day I knew what depression meant or when it took over me. I know for sure when being diagnosed with MS it heightened that much more. But with depression, it causes a sense of emptiness that’s really indescribable. We’ve all been touched with this in different forms. 

You can’t get out of bed. Your heart doesn’t quite pump through your chest and your body is paralyzed. The thought of going out the door makes your brain falls out your skull. My heart feels heavy today just speaking about it. But I see so many around me who suffer this and can’t form words. 

I have to be honest. We can constantly say to ourselves that “it’s going to be okay” , we can read all the books in the world , go to therapy repetitively and even have a point of healing. But depression is one of those things that drag on your spine and find a way to remind you of your scars. It’s not easy. 

Literally every minute is tested by your surroundings. Although this is something that plagues my every thought and every move, I have found ways to combat the reality of it. Knowing that this is something that won’t go away, I had to find things to distract myself so that I could cope on the daily. 

I learned that also not to make my past lead my future. Despite the cruelty that is in society when it comes to this, no one will understand what we go through unless they’ve been slammed with it in the face. And you know, even then we can’t expect people to fully get it- and that includes friends and family. Lowering our expectations will decrease the weight that disapproval will have. 

Lately this has been the happiest I’ve ever been when I started writing and coming in touch with who I am. It’s been painful to feel pain resurface and facing things I never thought I’d face. But finding an outlet and putting myself in touch with people who do get me, has helped soften the process. 

And everyday there are going to be people who judge and people who will never get it. But guess what? You have me. If you ever feel alone – read this and know you’re not alone. And I may still not even know what you’re going through today and I hope that you find comfort. But the reason for this is to say that I know it’s not easy and I know hearing “it’s going to be okay” is deafening. 

But I hope that many around me who are suffering will know that you can and will get better and truly relish in the good days when we have them. Just because we suffer this doesn’t mean we don’t deserve even one ounce of hope. 

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Book Haul of Inspiration !

Hello Readers !

So I was inspired from one of my favorite authors, Gretchen Gomez who also did a post of book haul (check it out), to write something on the books that I’ve gotten my hands on in this past two months.

I wasn’t always the biggest reader growing up until poetry came into my life and i began writing myself. This past year has been nothing short of productive and reading these amazing books pictured have helped me so much in my journey of self-love and finding myself. Each and every one of these books, helped me see different styles of writing and just the vulnerability that each writer conveyed that touched me. I will break down the title and a synopsis of  what each book entails from their Bio on Amazon. It will also feature right in the middle my debut collection of poetry “Table for One.” All of these books you can find on Amazon.com and kindly leave a review for each author and how you enjoyed it ! I am so honored and excited to share this and all be apart of this community. At the end you may comment or ask any questions! Enjoy !!!!

Also follow me on GoodReads where i have pending collections of books that I am interested in reading and purchasing ! Link listed here : 

 

MY BEAUTIFUL COLLECTION!

Her (Author Pierre Jeanty) -“Her” is a collection of poetry and prose about women, their strengths and beauty. Every woman should know the feelings of being loved and radiating those feelings back to her mate. This is a beautiful expression of heartfelt emotion using short, gratifying sentiments. If there is a lover in you, you will not get enough of “Her.”

The Princess saves herself in this One (Author Amanda Lovelace) -From Amanda Lovelace, a poetry collection in four parts: the princess, the damsel, the queen, and you. The first three sections piece together the life of the author while the final section serves as a note to the reader. This moving book explores love, loss, grief, healing, empowerment, and inspiration.

The Nectar of Pain (Author Najwa Nebaian) -The Nectar of Pain is a collection of poetry and prose that the pain of love and loss gave birth to. This collection of poetry that I share from my soul with you follows what most of us go through after experiencing a painful heartbreak. Overall, there may be stages of healing, but cleansing yourself of the pain day by day, hour by hour and second by second is the real struggle. Healing is not as predictable as we would like it to be. We may take ten steps forward one day, and take twenty back the next day. As we walk this journey together, some poems will address you. Some will address the one who caused the pain. And some will address myself. Yourself.

Born to Love, Cursed to Feel (Author Samantha King) –Born to Love, Cursed to Feel is about love—the good, the bad, and the confusing. It touches on morals and how when emotions are involved it’s not as black and white. The poetry is frequently written in a narrative manner that evocatively pulls you in and makes you feel. This book is about falling in love, bad decisions, and ultimately growth. The essence of it all is to show that no matter how far one falls all the mistakes don’t have to be what defines them.

Whiskey, Words and Shovel Volumes 1-3 (Author R.h Sin) -Originally released in 2015, this re-rerelease packs the same punch as the first version, but makes an even greater connection with the soul of the reader. Each piece has been re-seen and revamped to reflect the author’s continuing journey with his partner, Samantha King, without whom this book would not exist. Samantha is the muse, the “she” the writer speaks of; she is every woman who has felt like she wasn’t good enough, and every woman who struggles to find love.

Rest in the Mourning (Author R.h Sin) -The calm before and after the storm. Rest in the Mourning is a steady and profound stream of conscious thoughts and emotion. Documenting unhealthy relationships and why the heart ends up in the hands of those deemed unworthy. It speaks to the heart’s ability to hold on to relationships that no longer deserve our energy as well as what happens when we are ready to let go. Rest in the Mourning is about self-care and self-love.

Pillow Thoughts (Author Courtney Peppernell) -Pillow Thoughts is a collection of poetry and prose about heartbreak, love and raw emotions.
It is divided into sections to read when you feel you need them most.
Make a cup of tea and let yourself feel.

Love & Misadventure (Author Lang Leav) -The journey from love to heartbreak to finding love again is personal yet universal. Lang Leav’s evocative poetry speaks to the soul of anyone who is on this journey.  Leav has an unnerving ability to see inside the hearts and minds of her readers. Her talent for translating complex emotions with astonishing simplicity has won her a cult following of devoted fans from all over the world.

Table for One (Laura Ashley Laraque) -This collection of poetry talks about a woman who has experienced what many have, heart break. In the midst of her pain, she takes on a journey to learn to love herself. Also, expressing emotions and looking back on memories that although left scars, have led her to sit at her table alone. Finding yourself is crucial and she explains how she accomplishes this day by day.

Blossoming Heart (Author Fida Islaih) -Blossoming Heart is a compilation of poems about conquering your fear and forgiving yourself. Learn about yourself and love yourself in your journey. Find stillness in your life. Let your brokenness find hope and peace.

I Love my Love  (Author Reyna Biddy) -The debut collection from 22-year-old poet Reyna Biddy, I Love My Love tells the story of Reyna’s childhood, her parents’ toxic relationship, and how, against all odds, she learned to love herself.

Walking through the Forest (Author Elizabeth Ann) – love, loss, pain, healing, poetry.
Elizabeth shares her experience of coming to terms with heartache by embracing acceptance and self-love in a collection of poetry written with straightforward vulnerability.  Join her on this walk through the forest full of love, loss, and other tall trees.

Bare Roots (Molly S Hillery) –bare roots is a collection of poetry written for anyone that has ever buried parts of themselves away from the world. The book is divided into six parts– Pruning the Damage, Battling the Weeds, The Roses [and the Thorns], The Seedling Shall Blossom, Cultivating Wisdom, and Buds of Hope are delicately crafted segments that touch on the subjects of femininity, love and loss, trauma, mental illness, the search for meaning, and ultimately, how to grow from it all.
Some portions of this book contain mature content and may be triggering.

Milk and Honey (Author Rupi Kaur) -The book is divided into four chapters, and each chapter serves a different purpose. Deals with a different pain. Heals a different heartache. Milk and Honey takes readers through a journey of the most bitter moments in life and finds sweetness in them because there is sweetness everywhere if you are just willing to look.

I am More than a Daydream (Author Jennae Cecelia) -How often do you daydream? For most, it is many times a day. We stare out the window instead of the task in front of us. We fantasize about where we would much rather be, the significant other we long for, our ideal job, the body we hope to see in the mirror, a healthier mindset, pure happiness in our lives and the lives of others, peace in this chaotic world. However, how many of us daydreamers believe these pleasant thoughts will truly turn into our reality? Daydreams are more than just short bursts of happiness that only our minds can see. I know I am more than a daydream; and you are, too.

The Chaos of Longing (Author K.y Robinson) –The Chaos of Longing is a prose and poetry collection draped in raw honesty, ache, and eroticism. The book explores trauma, mental illness, love, heartbreak, and the realizations from it all.

Mad Woman (Author Kat Savage) -Author of Learning to Speak, Kat Savage, returns with Mad Woman which is comprised of 40 pieces that capture her stream on conscious, her confessions, and her strange thoughts. In Mad Woman, she bears it all and embraces her madness driven by loneliness and disappointment.

Some More Goodies from my Kindle Library !

Love & You (Author Gretchen Gomez) – An excerpt from her collection :

one day i met a guy
who stole my heart,
we created a world
for ourselves.
and another day
he broke my heart
and shattered
my soul.

i took the tattered
pieces of this
broken soul and
became anew.

– here lies the hurting, the healing, and the learning

Afterlife (Author Melissa Jennings) -Afterlife is a collection of poetry about catharsis, self-love, and self-revolution. Afterlife is a journey from the darkness to the light again, and again, and again.

Bones in the Garden (Author McKayla DeBonis) -Here lies the anatomy of the first Heartbreak. But, take my advice, you can grow, you can heal, you can learn, no matter what. Just pick yourself up and keep going.

Pain and Passion ( Author Ana Vowens) -Pain and Passion is a collection of poetry and prose written from the center of brokenness and sublimity. Ana Vowens weaves tales and accounts of her own pain into a tapestry of words that will spellbind you. This book is a journey through the highs and lows of life, love, heartbreak, and pleasure. It’s raw, it’s riveting, it’s erotic, it’s pain, it’s passion.

 

Thanks so much guys for taking the time to look at all these amazing collections ! Again you can follow me on Goodreads to find more any support my debut collection. hope you enjoy !

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Invisible Sickness – Don’t Judge

This is a very sensitive but weighty subject that I wanted to address. Coming from someone who suffers from an illness unapparent to the eye, can be quite challenging. I wanted to share my story so that those who suffer know that they are no alone in this feeling.

I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis February 2011. I still remember that day when the doctor came in and told me it was official. I was only 19 but had been dealing with ongoing issues all through out my pre-teens. The first time i remember having symptoms i was in school and i was trying to write and couldn’t move my pen. It literally felt like when your hand falls asleep but it stayed that way. I really didn’t think anything of it. I told my mom and i think we were just in denial of it being anything serious. I had been seeing so many different doctors for different things my whole life. But the next day i tried walking up the stairs at school and couldn’t feel on my right side. I went completely numb.

At that point I knew something wasn’t right and we had to get medical attention, So the journey began – MRI after MRI, blood work after blood work until they saw something come up. So they could lesions in my brain which are like scar tissue from nerve damage. At first, they didn’t want to say that it was an auto immune disease so we waited. And boy was that waiting period a rocky road.

Shortly after, I experienced something called optic neuritis. I woke up one morning out of no where and couldn’t see. My eyes were almost swollen shut and i couldn’t move my eyes around. I cried and cried because I didn’t know what to do. So i was shoved with my first treatment prednisone. That was the eating monster that made me blow up into a balloon and as you can imagine that doesn’t help the situation any better. After that i had went numb o my whole left side again, I was hospitalized the year after that for  week for having tonic spasms and the list can go on.

Now its 6 years later and i am dealing with the effects everyday. But guess what? People still think I’m okay. People still think I am healthy and nothing is even wrong just because i don’t have drastic visuals to match it. This sickness attacks the nervous system everyday without you even know. It eats away at the protective barrier on your nerves which causes you not to feel, not being able to walk etc.

Despite having this ailment, I worked full time and i hustled no matter what. I was determined to live out being a young person even though i had limitations. But that came with depression, chronic fatigue and then some. I was no normal girl and i hated it.

Can you imagine being in bed wondering will i be able to walk the next morning? When i’m driving will i suddenly go blind out of nowhere and possibly cost my life? Will I ever find love from someone knowing that this will get progressively worse? I had all eyes on me when i drive into handicap spots because they see me walking in  that moment but have no idea i just had treatment. Or they have no idea that i cant feel one side of my face. Not being able to work and people thinking your faking just to make an excuse?

I felt and feel constantly judged and really never understood to the point of having someone literally say to me ” What do you need that handicap decal for?”. I can sympathize with those who suffer from ailments like this that are naked to someones eye. Everyday is a struggle and you literally HAVE to pull yourself up. I had to tell myself that I AM GOING TO BE OKAY even though i wasn’t. Because even hearing someone say that ripped me apart.

Building confidence and finding your happy place is so important when dealing with this. Otherwise, I found myself miserable and unable to tolerate and granted i still have my days and today is one of them. But sharing this with people who get or don’t get it helps me to see that no matter what I have to be the one to build myself back up. No one can do that for me.

But just remember, before you say anything hurtful or judge someone even in your mind- understand that you have no idea what they are going through. Be kind to all and always support those around you.

With love 🙂